


Stackhouse and Markham Are Dead

by Rokeon



Category: Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead - Stoppard, Stargate - All Series, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crack, Gen, I Don't Even Know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-28
Updated: 2013-07-28
Packaged: 2017-12-21 14:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/901400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rokeon/pseuds/Rokeon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which getting on the <strike>boat</strike> floating city was probably the first mistake, especially considering the prevalence of un-, sub- and supernatural forces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stackhouse and Markham Are Dead

**Author's Note:**

> A recently unearthed ficbit from 2009 in which I was, apparently, trying to rewrite SGA with Stackhouse and Markham as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, Teyla and the Athosians as the Players, and Sheppard as Hamlet. Your guess is as good as mine.

Cast:  
Stackhouse - A Marine  
Markham - A Marine  
Teyla - An Athosian  
Jinto - An Athosian  
Athosian Native Refugees  
Sumner - An Officer  
Sheppard - A Pilot  
McKay - A Scientist  
Weir - A Leader  
Ford - A Lieutenant  
Beckett - A Doctor

Two Marines passing time in a place whose only visible character is the dim, shifting light.

They are fully equipped - vests, P-90s, sidearms, radios, and all.

STACKHOUSE has an Ancient PDA-thing.

MARKHAM has a coin.

STACKHOUSE (hereafter "STAC") is trying to activate the PDA, with no success. He is standing, sometimes pacing, occasionally muttering something to himself under his breath. The PDA refuses to turn on.

MARKHAM (hereafter "MARK") is sitting on the ground. The floor panel beneath him is glowing weakly, just enough to be noticeable, but he ignores it. Instead he flips his coin, catches it in his palm, and slaps it loudly onto the back of his other hand. Then he checks the face, announces it as "heads" (as it happens), and repeats the process. He has apparently been doing this for some time.

STAC is certain that the PDA must be useful but is unable to make it work without the ATA gene; he has the curiosity but not the means to satisfy it. Let this be his character note.

MARK bears no surprise at the run of "heads," impossible as it is. He also has the gene, evidenced by the glowing floor, but he either doesn't know or doesn't care- his character note.

STAC: I'm sure this must do something important.

MARK: Heads.

STAC: But I have to admit that I'm not entirely sure what.

MARK: Heads.

STAC: If it does anything at all.

MARK: Heads.

STAC: Perhaps its purpose is simply to be, to exist... to remind us all that, in the end, we simply are. Regardless of whatever destiny we think we might have, our primary function is simply to occupy our place in the universe.

MARK: Heads.

STAC: Or maybe it's a paperweight.

He gives up, throwing the PDA back over his shoulder in disgust. MARK catches it; it instantly lights up in his hands. STAC, still turned away, doesn't see. MARK glances at it, shrugs, and tosses it off to the side before flipping his coin again.

MARK: Heads. Seventy-seven, love.

STAC: Is there a reason you're doing that?

MARK: I'm sure there must be. Heads.

STAC: You're sure. But you don't actually know what it is.

MARK: (thinks for a moment) Nope. Heads.

STAC: So you're perfectly content to sit there until judgment day without knowing the reason why?

MARK: Heads. Apparently so.

STAC: Have you no scientific curiosity?

MARK: I don't think I'm a scientist. Heads. Are you?

STAC: That's beside the point.

MARK: Heads. There's a point?

STAC: Of course there is!

MARK: I didn't realize. Heads.

STAC: I think there was, anyway.

MARK: But you're not sure? Heads.

STAC: Apparently not.

MARK: Heads. Eighty-five, love. That has to be a new record!

STAC: (explodes) A record, is that all that occurs to you?

MARK: What do you mean?

STAC: You don't even know why you're doing it!

MARK: I... I was trying to decide?

STAC: To decide?

MARK: To make a decision. I think.

STAC: A decision about what?

MARK: No idea.

STAC: What do you usually have to make decisions about?

MARK: Nothing. I get orders.

STAC: Orders! What are your orders?!

MARK: (thinks, then shakes his head) Nope. Almost had them for a second there, too.

STAC: You don't remember.

MARK: Do you?

STAC: Do I what?

MARK: Remember your orders?

STAC: Do I have orders?

MARK: Why wouldn't you?

STAC: Why would I?

MARK: Why would anyone?

STAC: Why do you?

MARK: Good question.

STAC: But not a helpful one.

MARK: The answer would be helpful.

STAC: If we had it.

MARK: Which we don't.

They both pause for a moment, discouraged. Then STAC sits down next to MARK.

STAC: Start at the beginning. We have orders.

MARK: Or I do.

STAC: You have orders. Possibly I do as well. What are they?

MARK: Your orders? We don't even know if they exist.

STAC: Your orders, then.

MARK: I don't remember.

STAC: And I don't remember mine.

MARK: If you have them.

STAC: Which I may not. If I did, what would they be?

MARK: What are they usually?

STAC: The usual sort of orders. Go here, go there, do this, do that... any of this ringing a bell?

MARK: Not a one.

STAC: Of course not. Reverse the proposition: I do not have orders. What am I doing here?

MARK: Did you decide to come?

STAC: Not that I recall.

MARK: What do you recall?

STAC: Not much. What about you?

MARK: The same. I know I have orders, though, that's something.

STAC: But not what they are or where they came from.

MARK: At least I know that much. You don't know why you're here at all.

STAC: I don't. (pauses, looks around) Where is here, anyway?

MARK: Another good question.

STAC: With another helpful but unknown answer. Unless you... ?

MARK: Do I look like I know?

STAC: Apparently not. It was worth a shot, though.

Both of them sit there and consider for a moment. Then a voice comes over their radios; COLONEL SUMNER has just been informed that the search teams are draining the city's power.

SUMNER: All security teams fall back to the gateroom.

Both of them jump to their feet.

STAC: An order!

MARK: The gateroom!

Both of them stare expectantly at each other; they realize at the same time that neither one knows where the gateroom is. They sit back down.

STAC: Well, that was bracing.

MARK: At least we know we have orders.

STAC: We even know what they are.

MARK: Fall back to the gateroom. Sounds important.

STAC: I'm sure it is.

MARK: A room with a gate.

STAC: I'm sure there's a reason.

MARK: You usually are.

STAC: There usually is.

MARK: Not that we know of.

STAC: We don't know that much.

MARK: Apparently not.

STAC: We still don't know why we have orders.

MARK: Or who gives them.

STAC: Or where we are.

MARK: Or what we're doing here.

STAC: Disobeying orders. We're supposed to be in the gateroom.

MARK: Oh, yes. I'd forgotten.

SUMNER: (over the radio, again) Lt. Ford, gather security teams 1 and 2. Everyone gear up.

STAC: Sounds like something's happening.

MARK: We should probably be there.

STAC: Are we a security team?

MARK: I don't feel very secure.

STAC: I don't think that's what it means.

MARK: But you can't be sure.

STAC: Not of anything. Or anyone.

MARK: You're not sure about me?

STAC: Are you?

MARK: Sure about you?

STAC: About yourself.

MARK: Of course I am.

STAC: Then who are you?

MARK: I'm... oh.

STAC: Exactly.

MARK: And you?

STAC: No idea.

MARK: That's a problem.

STAC: A puzzle.

MARK: A good one.

STAC: With a useful solution.

MARK: That we don't know.

They pause.

STAC: I'm sensing a pattern.

**Author's Note:**

> I think Jinto would have been cast as Alfred, if I had ever managed to make it out of that first scene. I feel like I should be apologizing somehow.


End file.
